day 30

i really don't know what i have done for things to come to this ...

i am going thru the worst stage of my life ... worst.

this blog is supposed to keep me sane, but ... everything is driving me to oblivion.

Day 28a

I dont want to lose you ... I will do all I can to keep you ... I am sorry ... I ... am that deep into u

Day 28

Hope is the only thing driving me now ... it's the only thing I can hope for ... It's the only thing I want now ....

Day 26

Writing this with a very heavy heart ...

I know what you cannot give ... the more i ask of you .. the more you will step back ... the more u step back ... the more i push fwd ..

it's all an irony. such an irony ....

take it slow? i am praying daily for the best to come.... all i need is hope

Day 24

Is it human nature?
When u seemingly have everything going, u fear for the worst. When u are seemingly closer, I fear more abt losing u. I am insecure .. =(

Day 23

Hey 23 is my lucky number!

I miss u today cos I did not see you ... =(

And when I dont see you I get uncomfortable .... like a part of me is missing ...

I wont get bored of you ... I know ...

day 22

I really dont want to freak you out ... I don't ... but .... I'm too into you - that I hate to admit

40 days and 40 nights left to go ... things are going on ... but whether they are the way I wanted them to be ... I don't know ... I really really don't.

You think all the time, yes. But I hope at the end of it all ... you'll think that I'm the one.

Day 21

It's day 21 ..... about 40 more to go .... cant wait ... really .... =)

Spent the weekend wif u like normal ... it was really good ..... miss u so so so much before this .... i realli love u ..... realli do

Day 18

The last 2 days of my life has been the best in such a long time that I cannot even remember when.

Silly girl ... 22 April 2007 will mean so so so so so much to me ........... as the blog u can see .....

I will treasure u more so than ever ... dun have to start on 22 apr ... my treasuring of u has already begun.

day 17a

thanks so so so much for the gift ... i realli like it =)

u were using my com for a bit there... so scared that u will see the blog ... will keep the blog under wraps as far as i can ... =)
thank u again ...

Day 17

I am feeling more confident today. =)

Dear ... 17 days have passed ... tat's almost 30% and abt 45 left to go!
it's all good... it will all be great. miss ur hug.

day 16a

i am dreaming
what makes me think think things will change overnight?

if we are not happy now how can we ever be?

IF NOT NOW THEN WHEN?

day 16

i wake up to feel ever further than where i want us to be ...
negative thoughts keep ripping me up. if not now, then when? if not like this, then how?
the selfish part of me wishes u were still back in sg, where i can know the physical distance is the problem. right now, the emotional distance is a real killer

day 15a

i felt ..... further from u than ever before. is it just me? i will learn to deal with insecurities ... i need to ...

Day 15

a few more hours before ur flight touches down. presumably, now ur plane is over Turkey ... =)
Excited!

Day 14

18 hours .... and u will be here ... in uk ...
where do we go from here? i dont know ...
but i can't wait to see u again

miss u so so much.
2 weeks down, abt 6-7 more to go. hang in there, for we will be there no matter what.

Day 13

13th day unlucky?
no la ... it's a sunday today and i have to work ...
tomorrow u will be back ....
actually i am not sure hw to deal abt things over the next 40 + days ...... but i miss u ... i realli do

day 12

fears and hopes ...

Day 11

11 days have gone by!
51 more to go ... really can't wait to spend my time with u properly.... =)

anyway ... REALLY REALLY busy day in the office ... rush rush rush
been a torrid 2 weeks all in all ... sigh

but after tonite there shld be light at the end of the tunnel... or so i hope

enjoy ur last weekend in sg ya? though u wun see this until... 51 days later.

day 9

... i am glad to announce it's march the 1st ...
4 more days before u are back

i plan to surprise u with red roses at the airport ... see how it goes ... hope i can make it =)

can wait to touch u again ... this feels so long distance ... and now i know ... it's a very painful process to go thru ....

Random Post

Lyrics that touched my heart ... hopefully yours too

Rescue me from the mire, whisper words of desire
Rescue me - darling rescue me
With your arms open wide, want you here by my side
Come to me - darling rescue me

When this world's closing in
There's no need to pretend
Set me free - darling rescue me

I don't wanna let you go
So I'm standing in your way
I never needed anyone
Like I'm needin' you today

Do I have to say the words?
Do I have to tell the truth?
Do I have to shout it out?
Do I have to say a prayer?
Must I prove to you how good we are together?
Do I have to say the words?

Rescue me from despair, tell me you'll be there
Help me please - darlin' rescue me
Every dream that we share, every cross that we bear
Can't you see? - darlin' rescue me, yeah

Day 8

Can't believe it... a full week has past since u made the decision ....

means ... about 7 weeks to go

I know i know .. you like red roses ... will remember that by hard henceforth already ...

like to close my eyes and imagine u in different clothes ...

No.. it's not perverted.

Day 7

seven more days before u are back ..
i cant write day in day out about how much i miss u ... but i do

thanks for getting all the stuff .. i realli appreciate it ... =)

decided to tell u something that makes me vulnerable ... but .. i decided to say nonetheless

missing u makes me realise something ... makes me how i have not missed anyone before. it's true. i dun think i ever wanted someone to be my side as much as i do right now. in previous relationship .. i jus adapt and move on. i never realised i was cold .. until i am this into something ... u are exactly what i want.

i do wanna go back with u in october.. see how it goes...

fyi, the countdown clock reads 55 days, 1,320 hours, 79,200mins and 4,752,000 seconds.

Day 6

Just back from Paris ...

What the trip for me was that I really have alot of time to clear my thoughts - which I did. I thought about alot of things .. my future ... my work ... then the rest are just abt u u u u u and us.

I really missed our time in Budapest. Perhaps at the time we thought that the end was near .. so we made it a very enjoyable 4 days. For what it was worth, that was my best holiday ever. =)

I miss you so much.

day 5

Harlow ... i am really beginning to smile all over again ... thank u ...

Heading off to Paris in a bit ... =)

day 4

Benson. Thanks for telling benson.

For the first time in a long while i feel that we are moving in the right direction. I finally feel that we are on right track. Thanks. Like I said before... I will try everything to make u the happiest ger ard... though u may have bipoplar disorder and swing between moods... but i will be there ard u, wherever u go ... or run to.

i think i can start to smile again

Day 3

Things seems to have returned to normal again to me .... but inside i still feel tinges of fear and nervousness ....

it's not you, it's me ... i need u too too much ... too much for our own good ....
but like i can help it... i cannot ..

realli miss you ... how can i get past the next 2 weeks or for that matter nex 60days?

hey ... today is our -2 month anniversary ... haha .... =

miss u so much

Day 2

The day after tomorrow...
Still feeling scared, fearful and somehow helpless again ...but got you mail ... your promise is everything i need...
_______________________________________________________________
From: XXX XXX@gmail.com
To: XXX XXX@yahoo.com
Sent: Tuesday, 20 February, 2007 6:47:10 AM
Subject: Re:
hi..

i'm sorry i caused you so much pain.. and i really really wished it didn't come down to this. and the more i try to pull away and the more u try to hold on.. the more worried i am about us getting together and how this whole episode will affect us.

In a way, its completely weird how this is all turning out because.. getting together.. should have been a happy thing. but it wasn't right from the start.. and.. when everything seemed ok, i completely ruined it. if getting together is so hard.. what does that say about the future of the relationship?

but i promise i will work things out and no more panic attacks from 22 onwards...

and.. i hope i really mean that much to u.. because to me, i'm not worth that much effort.
_______________________________________________________________

format

I wun deal too much with the template of the blog, afterall no one should find this out before the date itself. No names will be mentioned, no personal pictures will be posted.

From today till then, I will try to blog one entry a day, topping 60 entries by 22 April 2007, telling what I went thru.

On 23:59 on 21 April 2007, I will post the blog address across, and you shall read everything from Day 0, which was yesterday, 19 Feb 2007.

This is how much I care and want us to work.

First Post

Hi, by the time u read this, we are already together.

This is the first post and i write it with great emotional struggle and pain.

Given the choice to do to everything again, i would no doubt do it so that it will be right for u and me. Because that is the only thing I want.

I love you. I really do. I pray everything that 22 April 2007 will happen and I pray that one day I will be able to make you the happiest ger on Earth.